One of Life’s Burning Questions

Why in the hell does Billy Mays have to yell so freaking loud about EVERYTHING! Maybe you don’t know who Billy Mays is – if that’s so, you don’t own a television. If you do own a television, you cannot escape this man! I mean, I didn’t mind with the first OxyClean commercials. He’s excited about his product – he’s getting your attention – hey I love OxyClean as much as the next person.

Next came KABOOM – never was a more appropriate title paired with a salesperson. So, okay, we endured the yelling of Billy Mays for that because hey, the title is KABOOM – it’s explosive cleaning power and it needs an explosive pitchman.

But now . . . now. OMG! You’re calmly watching a program – suddenly Billy Mays is there screaming at you to buy MIGHTY MEND-IT (because I’m always ripping that flag that hangs in gale force winds). He’s screaming at me to buy MAGIC PUTTY (what the hell?). He’s screaming at me to buy absorbent towels, some sort of contraption to cook hamburgers, some tool that will solve all my tool problems, a steamer, and God knows what else, and now . . . now I see he’s screaming at me to buy LIFE INSURANCE! Is there anything that Billy Mays can’t sell? If I see Billy Mays screaming at me to buy “feminine hygiene” products I’m done.

Seriously, every time I hear the first syllable out of his mouth I’m running for the remote and frantically hitting MUTE, MUTE, MUTE!  It makes me think of when Austin Powers is revived from being cryogenically frozen and he, “CAN’T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF HIS VOICE!”

Does Billy May go home at night and scream, “HI HONEY, I’M HOME! WHAT’S FOR DINNER? I LOVE YOU!” at his wife? Does she hit him upside his head with a skillet, because that’s what I feel like doing.

So, Billy, if you’re out there and you happen to read this, I know you’re the professional and all, but please could you please, just take it down a notch? I’d like to see some emotional range from you – not just the full force screaming, you’ve mastered that, let’s try something new okay? Get with the times – it’s time for change!