Why Ham is Evil

I forgot to tell you about this dream I had the other night . . . but first I must give you some disturbing back story.

A couple of years ago I bought this pre-cooked ham thing. I’d never cooked one before, but my mom said all you had to do was pop it in the oven with some pineapple blah, blah, blah and voila easy Sunday dinner. So I put it in to cook, and right now I can’t remember if it was the oven or the crock pot – I’ve tried to block this day from my memory – and when we got home from church I went out to the kitchen to get everything ready to eat.  As I got the ham out to put onto a serving dish I stuck the fork into it and – I kid you not, Gabby is my witness to this – the ham SQUEELED like a pig! It was horrifying.

Gabby and I both screamed and jumped back in horror. Needless to say, we could not eat the ham, and I have never bought another one of those creepy things. Seriously – we can laugh about it now in quiet nervous laughter every time we remember it – but I’m not lying when I say that the precooked dead ham did squeal a loud high pitched SQUEEL!

So, back to the other night I had this dream that I was making hog jowls (which I have never made or eaten in real life) like the ones in Ren and Stimpy. If you haven’t watched Ren and Stimpy in a long while they looked like this:

And as I went to serve them they were squealing.

And Eddie Vedder was in the dream too. I have no idea what all this mean except maybe I should become a vegetarian. Or eat Kosher at the very least.

1 Comment

  1. creative kerfuffle on March 25, 2009 at 8:21 am

    ewwwww, squealing ham. srsly. gross. i don’t like the canned/processed hams cos they make me think of giant loaves of spam/treet (even though i like spam). also, i bought one of those years and years ago. for whatever reason i had it out on the kitchen counter, thawing maybe? and we left the house briefly. when we came back the beagle we had at the time somehow got it off the counter (still don’t know how she did it because the counters were high and she was short–suspect cat helped her). she ate the ENTIRE ham and then threw it up (sorry!) all over the house. it was still warm. yeah, i know, i just hurled a little myself. needless to say, i also can’t do those kinds of ham any more.